life and everything surrounds it.

i had the biggest slap in my whole life last night until to the extend which i dun want to be in this life anymore. yeah. for a while. i wish that i can just disappear if whatever i said, means nothing especially to the ones i love the most - my family.

it breaks my heart when u always be good to people, yet, people make stories about u. bad ones. not the good ones. n u will be wondering.. my goodness, if this is what they give u back when u r always being nice to u, imagine if u treat them like shit, they will surely give u hell, man. furthermore, it came from the environment that u hate the most - ur school. n somehow it arrived at my dad's ear n the whole family.

maybe its important to think about the truth or the other side of the story. maybe whatever people told u, it is not necessarily good. but, u chose to listen to them rather than listening to ur own blood. dat hurts. a lot.

i just need my old rainbow back. that shines brightly on the skies . that gives me reason to smile. every single day. never fails.

my heart skips a beat.

perasaan hati membuak2 kerana apa yang di alami. Pilu, hiba, simpati, gembira, semuanya dapat dirasai. mungkin itu apa yang saya patut turuti. mencari identiti dan keaslian kepada perasaan saya sendiri. bila sesuatu terjadi, dimanakah diletakkan paksi untuk saya terus menyandarkan emosi?

"teacher, sorry tak datang semalam."

"dia pergi mahkamah syariah, teacher."

"maksud awak?"

"saya tak nak bagitaulah teacher. macam jaga tepi kain orang pulak. suruh dia sendiri bgtaulah"

sambil menghulurkan kertas,

"tulis, saya nak tahu. tak perlu berbincang pasal tu kalau awak tak nak"

bila saya lihat apa yang tertulis, lidah saya kelu. terdiam sebentar.

mak dan ayah saya nak bercerai.

"awak ok?"

"saya ok. tapi, saya tak suka mak saya. dia jahat"

rentak degupan jantung saya tersasar seketika.

i wanna eat pussy.

yes, dats what my year 3 boy said when i gt into his class. its not for me, i know. but .. wait3. since it is from my school, obviously its not in english, which makes things worse.

'SAYA NAK MAKAN PEPEK'

i was so disturbed by that statement especially the last word that i spent 10 minutes scolded the boy n the whole class. i gave them revision sheets and i went out my class. i went to staffroom n tried to talk the problem out (one of them is the school counsellor) with some senior teachers who were in there n this is what they said:

'PAH, BIAR JELAH. DERANG MEMANG BIASA MACAM TU. NAK BUAT MACAMANA? KALAU SUSAH, NEXT YEAR, PAH MINTAK JE TUKAR AJAR DARJAH SATU KE'

nak buat macamana? what the? if u cant do anything, so, u just let it be? then, how would the kids know which one is good and which one is wrong? n how would they know that was a serious thing. i went to my car, locked myself in it n i cried.

i got so disturbed by the word (maybe because a year 3 kid said that. he is too young to know that kinda word and behaviour). n i cried because no one bothers to do something to that kinda kid. so, we just let them be? dont u think its very immoral if u see sum1 does sumting bad (which i believe its going to be worst later) n u just let it be? how about ur moral code? their moral code?

some said i got so over reacted by this incident. but if only u knw how disturbed u can be by the word and the thought that u will be teaching in that kinda environment for i duno how many years.

'No man can be a good teacher unless he has feelings of warm affection toward his pupils and a genuine desire to impart to them what he himself believes to be of value. '

Bertrand Russell

di hujung sini.

begini rasanya hari minggu tanpa sesiapa untuk berkongsi ria.

*terduduk jauh di hujung sini.

sang mantan

Dulu aku kau puja . Dulu aku kau sayang . Dulu aku sang juara . Yang slalu engkau cinta . Kini roda telah berputar . Kini aku kau hina . Kini aku kau buang . Jauh dari hidupmu . Kini aku sengsara . Roda memang telah berputar . Mana janji manismu . Mencintaiku sampai mati . Kini engkau pun pergi . Saat ku terpuruk sendiri . Akulah sang mantan . Sakit teriris sepi . Ketika cinta telah pergi . Akulah sang mantan . Mana janji manismu . Setia sampai aku mati . Kini engkau pun pergi . Saat ku jatuh dan sendiri

ooo Mr Walking STD's evil gf that made him feel like that

The Governor’s story is about a man who meets and marries an air hostess after meeting her on a flight. However, after a posting to Bermuda their marriage began to unravel and when he finally leaves his wife, he makes sure he does everything possible to destroy her life. The story ends with the Governor telling Bond that a relationship “can survive anything so long as some kind of basic humanity exists between the two people” and that all kinds of obstacles can be overcome in a relationship, but not “the death of common humanity in one of the partners”.

how could an angel breaks my heart?

i was shocked. i didnt see it coming. maybe because i think everyone will be true to themself all the time and will work hard with whatever that they have. then only i realised that not everything will go as planned although we have tried our best because love is all about bringing two souls together. i know this feeling sucks n sum people think it is stupid to have one-sided love, but i am not ready to let it go yet. 5 years, too precious. but i will let Allah decide whats best for me (n working hard at the same time to get back my other half). because i believe He knows best and will reward those who work hard.

n yeah, i deactivated my facebook because i think it will only let me be more miserable at this point of my life. i wish to be alone and do what i do best.

*u can get through me by sending sms, ringing me or just drop a comment here.

its like what they said, when reality came knocking u out, u will be in grief , only this one, harder.

liz gilbert moment.

it is hard when u really love sum1 n the other person suddenly having the liz gilbert moment. n yeah, when i was reading n watching the eat, pray,love by liz, i never imagine how the story can actually came true in real life. i felt pity for her husband. but then again, i always look up for sum1 who works hard to have a better understanding of their own self.

now, i think, in real life, it is harder and tougher for the husband. the fact that he suddenly knew that his wife is having no feeling for him. no love, nolust, no nothing. in a second, everything that he thought he always had, gone. it sucks to be him at that time because he didnt do anything. he is not at fault. but, when watching the movie;

'yelah, tapi kan liz nak carik diri sendiri. kenalah bagi chance',

'memangla kesian kat husband dia, tapi, nak buat macamana dah kalau liz dah tak rasa'

n so on.

it just feel that if u have a good intention, whatever bad things dat u do to other people is ok, because u r doing the right thing - looking for ur own self. like what they said, niat menghalalkan cara.

its always nicer when u r on the other side of every place. always. tapi bila kena batang hidung sendiri, baru tahu langit tinggi rendah. what is left, harapan . itu saja.

pergilah sayang.

"Mana janjimu yang kau lafazkan dulu
Hidup dan matimu bersamaku"