betulkan saya.

bila kau mencuba yang terbaik, tetapi kau tetap gagal
bila kau dapat apa yang kau mahukan, tetapi bukan apa yang kau perlukan
bila kau tidur sepanjang hari tetapi kau masih tidak mahu berhenti
terperangkap dalam putaran
bila air mata mengalir tanpa henti
bila kau hilang sesuatu yang tiada berganti
bila kau sukakan seseorang tetapi tiada akhirnya nanti
bolehkah menjadi lebih teruk dari ini?


diam.tidur.hilang.

hati berbalang kaca

bila kau menangis sendiri di situ
kau tahu kau keseorangan
kau berharap kepedihan dan kesengsaraan itu akan pergi
meninggalkan hati kau yang rapuh seperti kaca
mungkin ia telah retak
mungkin ia telah pecah
mungkin kau sendiri tak mahukannya
apa guna mempunyai hati sejernih kaca
tetapi selalu diranap oleh si dia yang kau cinta.

life and everything surrounds it.

i had the biggest slap in my whole life last night until to the extend which i dun want to be in this life anymore. yeah. for a while. i wish that i can just disappear if whatever i said, means nothing especially to the ones i love the most - my family.

it breaks my heart when u always be good to people, yet, people make stories about u. bad ones. not the good ones. n u will be wondering.. my goodness, if this is what they give u back when u r always being nice to u, imagine if u treat them like shit, they will surely give u hell, man. furthermore, it came from the environment that u hate the most - ur school. n somehow it arrived at my dad's ear n the whole family.

maybe its important to think about the truth or the other side of the story. maybe whatever people told u, it is not necessarily good. but, u chose to listen to them rather than listening to ur own blood. dat hurts. a lot.

i just need my old rainbow back. that shines brightly on the skies . that gives me reason to smile. every single day. never fails.

go away. please.

1st, my baby buncho died.

2nd, i actually have gastric (wth?? kan??)

3rd, i cant go to the school camping trip.

4th, while some of my frens really enjoy travelling while working, i am stuck at skrp.

5th, cant go to singapore to shop.

6th, i desperately need to have extra time to finish my reading.

7th,i just need a good movie and dinner date.

8th, i wish i have sum1 who can listen to me now.

9th, i want the world to stop so that i can take a deep breath.

10th, i have LADAP to attend tomorrow.

sadness, depression.. please. go away, please.

*thanks to fared n abg raja sbb pickup syefah n angkutkan my car kat sekolah ketika diriku sakit seperti kene tikam dengan pedang samurai sebentar tadi.

kecewa.

semalam saya menangis di dalam perpustakaan sekolah saya kerana kecewa dengan beberapa murid kelas belakang saya kerana tidak menghormati saya. walaupun saya tahu mereka telah dikategorikan sebagai murid yang tidak boleh diperbaiki sahsiah kerana rekod2 kejahatan seperti melubangkan kepala kawan sendiri dan membuli murid lain dengan memukul dan meminta wang , tetapi saya tetap berusaha untuk menarik minat mereka untuk belajar. tetapi, saya tidak boleh lagi bersabar semalam kerana mereka telah bercakap dengan nada yang tidak sopan dengan saya kerana tidak mahu membuat kerja yang diberikan kerana mereka tidak minat belajar kerana mak bapak mereka tidak kisah mereka tidak pandai.

saya rasa seperti saya bukan guru yang baik kerana perasaan untuk tidak melihat muka mereka sangat menebal sekarang.

i wanna eat pussy.

yes, dats what my year 3 boy said when i gt into his class. its not for me, i know. but .. wait3. since it is from my school, obviously its not in english, which makes things worse.

'SAYA NAK MAKAN PEPEK'

i was so disturbed by that statement especially the last word that i spent 10 minutes scolded the boy n the whole class. i gave them revision sheets and i went out my class. i went to staffroom n tried to talk the problem out (one of them is the school counsellor) with some senior teachers who were in there n this is what they said:

'PAH, BIAR JELAH. DERANG MEMANG BIASA MACAM TU. NAK BUAT MACAMANA? KALAU SUSAH, NEXT YEAR, PAH MINTAK JE TUKAR AJAR DARJAH SATU KE'

nak buat macamana? what the? if u cant do anything, so, u just let it be? then, how would the kids know which one is good and which one is wrong? n how would they know that was a serious thing. i went to my car, locked myself in it n i cried.

i got so disturbed by the word (maybe because a year 3 kid said that. he is too young to know that kinda word and behaviour). n i cried because no one bothers to do something to that kinda kid. so, we just let them be? dont u think its very immoral if u see sum1 does sumting bad (which i believe its going to be worst later) n u just let it be? how about ur moral code? their moral code?

some said i got so over reacted by this incident. but if only u knw how disturbed u can be by the word and the thought that u will be teaching in that kinda environment for i duno how many years.

'No man can be a good teacher unless he has feelings of warm affection toward his pupils and a genuine desire to impart to them what he himself believes to be of value. '

Bertrand Russell